I have heard this question on more than one occasion from those who are grieving. And I even asked it myself when I first lost my father. Grief is so messy and unpredictable that oftentimes people simply want the pain to go away. I understand. Those first few weeks and months can feel so heavy, as though a never-ending gloomy fog is looming over you. Feeling disoriented is common and further complicates the emotions that take over. No matter who you have lost or in what manner, grief is a heartbreaking emotion that can be relentless at times. So, it makes sense that people might wonder how long they have to endure the pain.
If you are experiencing grief for the first time, you might assume there is a finite ending. However, there are more layers to this experience than beginning and end. The answer to this question is not black and white. I would dare to say that grief really never ends but rather changes form and intensity. We will always miss our loved one, however grief changes and transforms into a feeling we can carry forward rather than pain that stops us in our tracks. It still hurts. And possibly always will, but in a different way. Feelings of grief change just as grief changes us. I encourage you to avoid comparing your way of grieving with others because this journey is so individual.
Initial stages of grief
The early stages of grief can feel greatly overwhelming. There are often many things to sort out all while feeling numb and in shock. Denial can play a large role in your grief at this stage in an effort to protect you from the intense emotional discomfort. Several months later support from friends and family may start to decrease and fade, and you may begin to feel less numb. As you begin to experience your feelings (maybe for the first time) another wave of emotions can be felt as reality begins become clearer.
Year One
The first year in general can be a rollercoaster of emotions. Grief truly does ebb and flow like waves. Some days you may feel like life is falling back into a normal, predictable rhythm and then something takes you back to that time in an instant. It may be a smell or a song, or even someone with a mannerism similar to your loved one. But regardless of the cause, the intensity of the memory is strong. Although the intensity of your feelings may lessen over time, there is no schedule for how long you will grieve. The length of time is different for each person. For most people their mourning period is a long process and it can take years.
Year Two and Beyond
After about two years you are likely to know the places, events and occasions that trigger your emotions. As you start to know these, you will also learn what helps you to cope with them. Eventually people around you may start encouraging you to get out more and move on. But remember your grief is not something to “repair” or move on from. You have lost a significant person in your life and those feeling do not disappear overnight. Finding a way to carry your grief forward while still living a fulfilling life is the goal. Some people even arrive at a place where the memory of the person they lost actually becomes a source of comfort.
All this say that if you are currently experiencing a great loss, please be kind to yourself. Grief is delicate, painful and confusing. Allow yourself space to sort through those emotions and truly grieve your loss. You will feel many emotions and they are all completely normal and unique to you! Grief counseling can offer you the opportunity to explore your emotions in a safe space. Please contact me if you would like to discuss this as an option. Having the support of someone who can empathize with your experience, can provide help with the healing process. If you feel you need help during this season of life, grief counseling can help. Please contact me to discuss options further and help you navigate this difficult journey.
