Grief is an emotion that, at some point, everyone will experience. Grief is an overwhelming emotion that we can experience for many reasons. Of course, the passing of a loved one or pet will be the situation that comes to mind first for many people. However, there are many more reasons why someone can experience grief. Someone can grieve the ending of a relationship, job loss, or change. Major life transitions, such as retiring or children leaving home, can also cause people to enter a state of grief.
Most people have heard of the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's common to associate these stages as linear. You move from one stage to the next until you are done. If only it were that simple. Grief, unfortunately, is not linear and instead comes in waves.
Why Does Grief Come In Waves?
Grief Changes You
No matter what causes grief, it changes a person. After the triggering event, it's common to question whether or not you'll feel happy or normal again. In the case of the loss of a loved one, the reminders of them being gone are everywhere. The memories are still there, and they may make us smile, but they can also make us feel incredibly sad and angry over what we lost.
You can clearly distinguish between "before" and "after." Thinking about how your life has changed can sometimes feel dizzying. This division will often always be felt, to some degree. Triggers, especially, can cause someone to feel grief in waves. Maybe you haven't smelled a certain cologne in years that reminds you of someone, and then one day, you catch a whiff of it. That alone can transport you back in time and serve as a reminder of your loss.
Grief Can Be Ignored
We will all experience grief at some point. Even though it's a common emotion, it needs to be discussed more. Most people don't like to talk about things that make them uncomfortable, so they ignore these topics entirely. When the topic of grief does come up, it's often filled with well-meaning but unhelpful sentiments.
"It will get better,"
"They're in a better place."
"Just give it time; it won't hurt as much soon."
Yes, it may get better and not hurt as much later. And if you are a person of faith, you may believe that to be true. But these sentiments don't help someone move past the grief. They don't acknowledge what grief does to a person, either. Overall, this can extend the grieving period because grief is a topic we often skirt in society.
Grief Is Complex
Your life changed because you lost something. Now, you are trying to pick up the pieces while maintaining a sense of normalcy. Grief, however, shakes things up to the point where the new normal doesn't make sense.
You're mourning the loss of someone and no longer have them in your life. You are grieving over the loss of something, such as a job, and the uncertainty that comes with it. Your plans for what life was supposed to look like have shifted, and that is a lot to sort through.
How To Manage Feelings of Grief
First, let yourself feel whatever you need to. If it's sadness, anger, frustration, or disbelief, don't deny yourself these feelings. Out of sight, out of mind does not work well for mental health topics; it just prolongs these feelings.
Grief can make you feel like you're on autopilot. If all you can get done are the basics, then there's nothing wrong with that. Give yourself permission to acknowledge that you can't handle anything extra right now.
If you are struggling to cope, no matter how much time has passed or what occurred, don't hesitate to reach out for grief counseling. Together, we can find ways to honor your loss while processing the complicated emotions that grief causes.
