Listening so someone feels heard and validated is a skill that most people must cultivate. Emotional validation involves learning about and accepting another person’s emotional experience. Validating someone does not mean you agree with the person, but rather shows you understand them without talking them out of their feelings or shaming them for feeling that way.
Emotional invalidation on the other hand involves rejecting, dismissing or judging someone’s emotional experience. People sometimes respond this way without realizing it. For some, listening to another person share their feelings is uncomfortable or triggers negative feelings within themselves so they respond with invalidation.
When a friend or family member is upset, there are many phrases that can leave them feeling like their experience is not valid or worthwhile. Below are several common phrases that often do not achieve the goal of making the person feel heard in their situation.
Relating what they are saying to yourself and then sharing your personal experience.
Phrases like “it will get better” or “there are people who have it worse off than you.”
Avoid distractions like “let’s go grab ice cream and you will feel better.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way”
“You’re too sensitive”
Oftentimes simply letting someone sit with their emotions rather than trying to move them out of the feeling (due to your own discomfort), helps them feel validated. This also allows the feeling to pass more quickly because feelings need to be felt not fixed. This is especially true when someone is experiencing grief. The person experiencing loss realizes nothing can be said to heal their pain, so often just being a support and letting them be with their feelings can be helpful. Try to avoid going into problem-solving mode and simply be present with the person in that very moment. Doing so can foster confidence within others in their own ability to sort through and understand their feelings and emotions. Phrases that are validating sound like this:
That sounds really difficult.
I get it. I’m here if you need to talk.
How can I support you?
Tell me more (shows interest)
I know you’re scared. It’s going to be hard…. but I know you will figure it out.
If you would like to learn more or this blog post resonated with you, please contact me to discuss counseling possibilities. Learning emotional validation can help you and others learn how to communicate feelings more effectively.
