Your attachment style plays a bigger part in your life than you realize! Have you ever wondered why you are attracting the wrong person every time you try to date? Maybe you feel excited dating the bad guy or you typically pick a partner that you can fix? Much of this attraction can be credited to your attachment style. As adults we tend to recreate relationships from our childhood because they feel comfortable and they confirm our way of relating to others.
The 4 attachment styles are Secure Attachment, Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment, Dismissive Avoidant Attachment and Fearful Avoidant Attachment. When there is secure attachment a person is often self-confident and able to function in a relationship meeting both their own and another’s needs. Secure adults tend to be open, honest and loving towards one another and are able to function independently within the relationship, while still remaining emotionally connected to their partner.
Those with anxious-preoccupied attachment often feel emotionally empty. They often seek a partner to complete or rescue them. They are desperately seeking security in a partner, however their clingy behavior usually pushes people away. It becomes difficult for their partner to act independently within the relationship because doing so sends a signal to the anxious-preoccupied person that their partner may leave them. So in an effort to fill that empty emotional tank, they cling to their partner more which pushes them further away.
People with dismissive avoidant attachment tend to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. They disconnect easily from loved ones and are able to separate from their feelings even during very emotional conversations. Their response to a partner threatening to leave them would be one of not caring. They seek out isolation from others.
Those with Fearful Avoidant Attachment are often afraid to be either too close or too distant from others emotionally. They have trouble with being intimate while also experiencing a fear of abandonment. They may chase after a partner who is pulling away, but then retreat when that partner becomes available. These people often try avoiding their emotions, but end up becoming overwhelmed by them which can lead to huge moods swings. Fearful Avoidant people feel the only way to have their needs met is to approach others, however they fear getting too close will cause them to get hurt. Their adult relationships are often volatile and they fluctuate between feeling trapped by their partner and feeling rejected by their partner.
You can make changes in your life to have a more secure attachment. First, simply identifying and recognizing which attachment style you have can provide insight into your behaviors. Then seek out a partner or people in your life who have a secure attachment style. You can learn through their behaviors that relying on others and being emotionally vulnerable is safe. This can develop your confidence in your own abilities to manage your emotions and have your needs met in a healthy way. You will then find that your relationships with other become much calmer and more peaceful.
If you are experiencing a difficult time in your life and are interested in giving anxiety therapy a try, please contact me to discuss counseling options.
